It is so fucking hot!

This is a post to complain about the amazing weather we are having here in the UK. Me and a friend were talking the other day, yea I have a friend, at least one, about the weather and how shit it has been for the past few weeks at the weekends. Now we all know this is because industry works all week, creating some delicious stuff and blowing it out of their chimneys into the atmosphere and then when it settles downs over the weekend, it rains down on us like we shouldn't enjoy the weekend.

Now we are having amazing weather, everyone is moaning about that as well. Now, I am English and live in England so I was wondering if this is the same in other countries? Do people just moan constantly wherever you are in the world. I know that we have Germans, Americas and a lot of other countries represented here so tell me what you guys do.

Maybe it is just because we know we will get sunburn to all fuck now so we have to stay indoors or something. i dunno, I think we are just a bunch of whiny bastards, let me know if you are too and share this around so we can get a poll going about who is the biggest whiners in the world, I am sure it is us! We moan about everything, even queue, not while queuing but we damn sure do afterwards!

Something interesting; smelly feet

I just had to write an article about foot health, I know, I am living every writers dream! Well, I found it interesting and now I want to discuss smelly feet. I am sure that we all get smelly feet from time to time, whether that is from being lazy and wearing the same socks two day in row or because we have been active and our feet have been sweaty, or a combination of the two, which I am going to pretend only happens at festivals but we all know that’s a load of bullshit, I am here to help, just call me the foot doctor.

Smelly feet are bad mmmkay, (nice impression in your head there, yep, I can read minds too) they smell fucking horrendous, have you ever been in someone’s house and you can smell them every fucking where? I have (hi mum) (that was a joke) (I’m in fucking trouble). The causes of smelly feet are basically what I said above, go and reread that. Sweaty, unclean, dirty bastard feet, you didn’t have to reread that, haha wasted your time!

If you suffer from the condition of smelly feet, it is NOT a condition, we won’t give you money. All you have to do is, wash your fucking feet. That’s about it, wash them like men do their naughty parts before a date (I don’t know if women do that too as I am a man, I think women are probably just generally cleaner than men during daily life but that is probably a topic for another blog and another day). So, clean your feet like you clean your balls, or your egg carrying parts, dry your feet like you dry a wet dog, quickly and thoroughly, change your socks like you change your pants, if you don’t change your pants leave now please and that’s pretty much all you got to do.

There is probably a lot more that you can do to not have smelly feet. Probably not wearing the same shoes for a year would help, I am not an expert though, I am just an idiot with a computer, oh the free world and the way we live aye!

You know the rules, if you found this article interesting, funny or anything else, share it with your friends. If you didn’t, follow the blog until you do find an article you think is worth sharing and then share that one! See you tomorrow.  

Something interesting about holidays this summer

This blog post is going to attack the subject of holidays from two different angles. Firstly, why we have holidays, secondly, why people we know hate us having holidays. I am not saying this opinion is fact (unlike many other places on the internet) I am just saying this opinion is as close to right as fucking possible.

The first attack: why we have holidays.

The reason we have holidays is simple, the Victorians invented them. Queen Victoria thought it was cool to go to a beach a few days a years and at the time, people still gave a shit about what royalty thought. So society decided that it was a good idea to go to the beach for a holiday. That is why, in most seaside towns in the UK, the oldest buildings you can find there are Victorian. This doesn’t apply to port towns, just the ones that have nothing going for them.

Oh, the other reason is, we basically aren’t slaves to anyone any more. So, to spend some free time (that we don’t have), extra money (that we don’t have) and some good times with the family (that doesn’t happen), we need to go and be by a beach.

The second attack: why the people we know hate us going on holiday.

I am sure that you all have experienced someone you know telling you about something fucking horrendous happening in a place close by to your holiday destination. It has happened to me a lot and happened to someone I know on Facebook about a minute ago (the reason for this article). The people that point this bad shit out to you are not trying to help. They are trying to make you have a shit holiday.

But Scott, why would my friends do such a thing, don’t they like me? Well, blog reader who doesn’t know my name so it’s weird that you know my name, the answer is simple. They aren’t going on holiday and you are so they fucking hate you! They hate that while they are working the job they only work to afford to go on holiday, you will be living their dream, sipping cocktails on a beach or getting a tattoo and things inserted into in Thailand, ah the memories!

Happy holidays, if you found this article funny, interesting, helpful in constructing your evil plan or anything else then, you know the rules, you have to share it. If you didn’t then follow along until you find an article you do like and then share that.  

Something interesting: how marketing works

Firstly, I am not in marketing. I am a freelance writer and so I do write stuff that could be seen as marketing but I am no marketer. Sounds like Deadpool saying he’s no hero. Well in this case, I am no villain!

If you have ever wondered why you get so many calls about being in an accident or a loan you never took out then keep reading, the answer is actually very simple. This was explained to me when I went on a day long interview to be a marketer, I lasted that day and then ran the fuck away.

Marketing at its core is very basic. The principle is for a company to sell someone something but how do they know who to sell it to or who is interested in buying it? The quickest and dirtiest way of doing it is getting in the field and trying to sell it. This way the marketing people make their money quickly, the company gets the people they want and everyone is happy, apart from the people who are bombarded with cold calls.

Here’s how it works.

Let’s say a lawn mowing company comes to me for help getting customers. They say they normally charge £25 per lawn and I’ll get £10 for each customer I bag them.

If I knocked on 10 of my neighbours doors (cold call them) and said that I will mow their lawn for £25, one might say yes. So I have made £10, hardly a living but ok. But, if I hire 10 people to knock on 10 peoples doors a day for 5 days a week, that’s £500, say they make a fiver each time (working on commission only) and I make a fiver each time. I have just made £50.

Then I put an advert in the paper saying “want to make a lot of money easily, give me a call) I hire 100 people. They knock on 10 doors a day for a week, that’s 50 doors per person a week, 5,000 doors in total. That’s £500, half of that is mine, £250. I have made £250 in a week for putting an ad in a newspaper.

However, there is an easier way. Set up a call centre with 100 people on the phones, calling from 9 till 5 each day. Each person have to average 100 calls a day to keep their job, each sale of a mowed lawn gives them a commission. That’s 10,000 calls a day, 5 days a week that’s 50,000 calls a week. let’s stick with 10% of people will say yes, that’s £5,000 a week.

Then, I promote my best sellers and give them their own offices and their own staff, I take a percentage of what they make but they make serious dough. They tell their staff that they can make serious dough too, those staff work hard because they want dough, all marketers want dough. They end up with their own offices. Soon you have an entire network of marketers selling lawn mowing services and a bunch of other stuff. Cold calling everyone, they designed scripts for the sales so a monkey can do the job and they are off running.

The maths is most likely wrong in this as I am not good at maths but that’s a very basic look at how marketing works. It’s a very simple idea that works very well, if it didn’t, we would never of heard of marketing. As usual, you know the rules, if you found something out you didn’t know or just found this article interesting, share it with your friends. See you tomorrow for another villainous tale!

Something interesting about an itch

I got to thinking the other day about itches, after scratching my head for a few moments, pun, I decided that I should write an article about itching. Now, if you have begun to scratch because of reading the word itch, I am sorry but I am feeling the same writing it so to understand what an itch is, we must control the itch, this is becoming far too karate kid!

What is an itch. 

There are a couple of theories as to why we itch. The first one goes something like this, animals itch to get parasites out of their fur and off their skin. Our itching is simply a carryover from this instinct. We itch because we were once apes, damn dirty, parasite infested apes! doesn’t that make you want a shower!

The second theory is a little more fancy, basically, the theory is that the feeling of pain and the feeling of an itch engage many of the same areas of the brain. When you scratch an itch, you are causing yourself just enough pain to relieve the itch. 

Apparently, an itch is best left unscratched but I don’t buy that. What if your skin is crawling with parasites right this second and that itch you aren’t scratching is the only thing that can get rid of them? you’re going to scratch it, right? 

Well, I hope that last paragraph made you look crazy on your commute to work. You know the rules, if you found out something new, found the article interesting or in this case, just want to make your friends itch then share it with them. See you tomorrow for something else interesting.

Something interesting about a haberdashery

As I was watching a film the other night, to relax and unwind after a day of avoiding real work, I stumbled across the word ‘haberdashery’ and realised that I had no idea what it meant.

 I can not say what film I was watching as I do not have the funds to pay the charges of doing such as thing, but it was the eighth installment in a directors arsenal and it was all set in a place called Minnie’s Haberdashery. If you don’t know who or what I am talking about, read yourself Ezekiel 25:17 or I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance!

Anywhoo, I asked my dad, cos he’s old and the word sounds old so I thought that the planets would align. He didn’t know so then I was stuck. Then I remembered this thing called the internet, you might have heard of it. I went on there and….

What the fuck did I find?

Haberdashery, here is the UK means a shop that sells cloths, thread, pins and stuff used for sewing. In the US it means clothing for men, or a shop that sell it. The word originally comes from haberdasher, which is the person who made the stuff to sell. Pretty cool job name if you ask me!

So I got thinking about that film again, “...like a forest it’s easy to lose our way…to forget where you came in”. No idea why that quote is in there! Anyway, in the film, the haberdashery sells sweets, coffee, had a bed (no idea why, I hope for the people that live in the haberdashery and not for the sordid things I am thinking about) and at no point did we see any men being tailored or any sewing stuff being bought! I’m not angry, I am just disappointed.

Well, now you know what haberdashery means, I hope I haven’t spoilt the film for you, I don’t want a bunch of angry people (perhaps a group of eight that are hateful) commenting saying anything mean.

Anyway, you know the rules, if you found it interesting or didn’t know the meaning you have to share it! Thanks for reading and I’ll catch you at dogs, you inglorious bastards!

Something interesting about shadows

This is going to be a quick one, it’s Friday and I want to get drunk, don’t you judge me! I want to discuss shadows and a thought I just had. Shadows are a by product of light. If you direct a light at an object, let’s say a can of beer, a shadow will form on the other side of the beer. This happens because the object itself is blocking the light from getting passed.

I was thinking about whether it would be possible to create a shadow without a light, of course it wouldn’t be possible but it would be cool to have a torch that instead of producing light, produced a shadow. You may already think that I am on the beer but I am not, this is my brain clean and sober!

Thanks for reading, if you found this article interesting, then you know the rules, share it with your friends. If you didn’t, follow along anyway and wait for something you do find interesting!